...this is me, rising up....

So, Mama. I want to write quickly and without thinking so it won't hurt so much. Not working so well for me... What do I want you to know that I have not told you? So much... Too much... Thank you. Thank you that I have always felt loved. I first learned about love from you. Long before I began to know God's love, your love had wrapped me up and tucked me into your heart where I was at peace. Where I learned about peace. Thank you for the security of your peacefulness. Traumas could come, but they could not ruffle you. Your face never showed if a situation was scary. We judged a scenario by you and it was always going to be okay. Thank you that it was always okay. No matter what, you and Daddy had it covered because you trusted that the Lord had it covered and we didn't have to be concerned. Thank you for trusting the Lord and for accepting what He brought before you. Thank you for learning from it and allowing it to bring you into closer relationship to Him...Thank you for being in close relationship with Him. Thank you for becoming like Christ... If you were a mama duck, and all of us were ducklings, we could waddle safely, confidently behind you without fear or concern. And we'd be okay. We WOULD be safe. And we WOULD be confident because even though we were only following our mama as far as we were concerned, we were in reality learning life. Learning life in such a way that God could be glorified, we could be in relationship and living had a purpose...And now it's our turn. We are mama ducks (or daddy ducks) and we will love, and trust and grow and be at peace...You have prepared us to walk forward, to learn to allow circumstances to teach us and grow us closer to Him. Every circumstance, no matter how difficult is His tool in our lives, a good thing as He works and molds and creates...We are okay. We are confident, at peace. Thank you, mama, you are blessed.

...to live is Christ....

Mom continues to struggle. She will have several difficult days, then she'll have a couple of good ones. It's interesting that it's on the days that she's feeling better, someone will call and want to come visit. It's on those days that she once again takes up the mantle, searches God's heart, and speaks to those before her the message she feels He wants her to share. Last night was a bad night..... I think every night when she goes to bed she hopes it will be her last. I think she's disappointed when she wakes up the next morning ("disappointed" not disgruntled-she's ready to continue life where she can sing with the angels, but willing to continue ministry here for as long as God wills it). Each day when she wakes up, it has been dictated by the Lord and she greets the day anticipating the reason for her life. Wow..... On a normal day, I anticipate what is scheduled before me, what responsibilities are mine, what preparations on this day I need to make for the next. Sometimes the Lord has to smack me in the face (figuratively, of course) to get me to recognize ministry opportunities. Every day, I miss chances to live Christ before those around me. Little things like courtesy when I drive, patience while I wait, unselfishness with selfish people, love that's undeserved, joyfulness in difficult situations exist so God can use me to reflect Him. Yes.... I fear my reflective mirror is a bit clouded and smudged. And the fact is, I keep it angled toward myself so much that the times when He is reflected are few.... Back in the day when Michael Jordan was a big deal, there was a phrase that was going around, "I wanna be like Mike!" And kids would dress like him, imitate him, practice to be like him. I want to be like Christ. And yet, for too many mundane hours of each day I look nothing like Him.... Daddy would be proud of Mama. She is courageous, loving and committed to the One they served so faithfully together; the One she now continues to serve until....one breath on earth, the next by Daddy's side before the God they love.

...the hub...

Mom's day yesterday was not the brightest. She is growing tired more quickly each day. Her pain is more frequent and lasts longer. And yet that is all there is to say that's in any way negative....She laughs with us, talks about life. lessons and memories. And waits. She wonders why God still hasn't taken her home. Her wondering is not in any manner impatient, just contemplative as she searches the mind of God. Even still the delay is okay with her, for whatever reason the Lord may have. She is ready to go, willing to stay.....I try not to think about it. And I tend not to be so willing as she. I just can't "go there." Things will be so different than when Daddy died. For one thing, we won't have Mom to lean on, to cry with, to focus on as we work out our grief. For another, she's our hub.... If our family were a bicycle, Daddy would be the handlebars, steering us, keeping us on the right track, and she would be the hub of the wheel. She holds it all together, the center where all the spokes meet and join, forming strength to carry our vehicle forward. We revolve around her. We start with her and extend outward into life serving the Christ she adores. It's just hard to imagine existing without a hub to which we can return, from which we can draw strength and unity.....What then? Does our bicycle collapse, fall over, rust? What happens next? What happens is what is already in process. It is what Mama and Daddy have always taught us and directed us toward.... We form our own bicycle. We become whatever it is the Lord desires for us to be. Maybe the handlebars, or the hub. But perhaps, the pedal, or chain or tires or seat. All necessary, all a part of a successful bike. With the Lord as our "heavenly operator" we go forward in whatever direction He chooses. As long as we go with Him, our mission is fulfilling, successful. That's what we do. That's what they want of us. That is what they have always taught us to be. So be it.....

Trust

Daddy gone. Mama going. It causes me to stop and consider what lies before me compared to what has recently passed. Once again, I dig my heels in and refuse to walk quietly beside my Savior as He leads me down a path that represents so much pain and loss...With my feeble, human mind it makes no sense, has no hint of fairness that He would allow me to have to face this again so soon. No amount of "good results" from lessons learned or personal growth can ease my desire to run far enough away that I will be unaffected....Even as I determine I will not begin to grieve until there is reason , my mind and heart begin to ache, alter and shut down. I make preparations for "when the time comes..." It is so difficult to turn to Him and rest. This is the time to trust. "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus...O for grace to trust Him more...."

A day for happy mothers.....

"Happy Mothers' Day!" is what we say tomorrow to all mothers. What do we say to a mother who is not happy? I've known my mother for 50+ years (no need to get specific...). In all those years, I can only recall a few instances when I recognized her to be unhappy. Did she have occasion to be disillusioned, discouraged, unhappy? Of course. Life happens to each and every one of us. And so it did with her. But she seemed to look past the difficulties and concentrate rather on those more fulfilling, fun aspects of life. When I do reflect on times when her happiness was diminished, and I examine the causes, I can only recognize one source for her unhappiness. Always it had to do with relationship. People. Never "things". It's difficult to imagine when you take a look at her "lot in life". She was the mother of seven (adorable) children. Seven. Only eleven years apart. That meant she stayed home all day. Every day. Did four loads of laundry, a day. Cleaned, fed and dressed everybody. Kept the house clean and straight (no small feat with nine people). Handled disagreements, tears, questions, endless chatter, sickness, small crises and sometimes large ones (one month we were in the emergency room three out of four weekends...). Daily. Then go to bed, enjoy interrupted sleep, get up and start it all over again. OK. Yeah, you say, but some of you were in school during the day. Right. Did I forget to mention she also kept kids in her home to help supplement a pastor's salary? As with any of us there were circumstances that could have made her discontent. I guess it all comes down to focus. She had decided to be happy. Once that decision was made, only situations and circumstances that supported that focus could effect her outlook. As I look back on my childhood and home life, I always remember laughing (Daddy's influence) and singing (Mom's influence). We didn't have a lot of "things" and never enough money, but always, happiness abounded. Thanks, Mama. Happy Mother's Day!

...a dying heart, a merry heart....

Mom continues to grow more tired. She hurts worse and more frequently. She has trouble breathing and has developed a cough. We are caring for her consistently and gently, doing almost everything for her, trying to keep her from having to do anything that might worsen any symptom. Except.......we laugh....... As we come and visit and sit around or call on the phone, invariably we come to some funny story, or "somebody" says something stupid and off we go! Giggling, laughing, guffawing until we can hardly breathe-especially Mama. But she loves it. Nothing suits her better than to join in for an extended, belly-wrenching, catch your breath so you can laugh some more session. We do these episodes well....and often.... Nothing is off limits. Nothing can be too embarrassing, too hard, too trivial or too personal to make fun of and laugh at. We watch and listen. Quickly enough, someone will misspeak, use the wrong word or mispronounce something and BAM! we're on it and off we go! Usually Mom sits on the couch, (sometimes out in the swing) and holds her hand over her mouth as tears run down her cheeks. She's not hurting. She's happy. We like it that way. She likes it that way.... "A merry heart does good like a medicine." We will continue to laugh.....who knows?

"How's she doin'?" She's doin'!

It always puzzled me as to how to answer someone when they asked we how I was doing after Daddy died. It is much the same with Mom. When people ask, there's not a simple answer for them....She has good days and bad. She hurts more some days than others. Some days she has difficulty breathing (mostly on days she has preached to everyone who walks past her). She hurts more frequently and has begun to have a cough. Physically, she is deteriorating. Each day brings us closer to her departure here and arrival there.... How is she doing? Mentally, emotionally and spiritually she continues to be an example to all of us. She looks forward without fear and anxiety. She looks back without regrets. She accepts each day with thankfulness and as one more day to serve Him.... Often throughout the years when we would ask Mom how she was doing, she would reply, "I'm a-doin'!" And indeed she is!

I picked out my mama's casket today....

Lovely day. It started at the funeral home, finalizing details for Mom's funeral. Then we went back to Mom's and had lunch with her...... Life change...It seems to be constant lately.... Not so many Wednesdays ago I went with my mom to the hospital for her to have a heart cath done. She'd been having difficulty breathing and was tiring quickly. This was the next step to find out what the problem was and what needed to be done. Seemed innocent enough. The test was done, Mom was resting in recovery. The doctor came out to explain the results to us. As she sat down across from me, I knew in an instant as I looked into her eyes that she was about to give me life-altering news. Instantly I turned away. I shook my head. No. Not yet. I'm not ready. I can't do this. As I turned to face the doctor already my eyes were filling. Two of her main arteries were 80% blocked. We had 3 options: bypass surgery, angioplasty or do nothing. I felt I knew what she would want to do. Her heart was already in heaven.... It has been nearly 11 months since Daddy died. (Actually, since he began to really live.....) We all stuggled enormously at first, she more than the rest of us. God's grace gradually overtook our sadness. But in the midst of her grief, she had a sinus infection, then shoulder surgery, then pneumonia. Finally around October she began to heal physically. All along she'd been leaning on the Lord to sustain her and direct her...... As God healed her heart and body, she began to seek opportunities to serve the Lord she loves. She taught the ladies in my brother's church in New Hampshire while she was visiting there. When she came home, she began to teach a Bible study in Greenville, help teach a study in Anderson and help with a Sunday School class at her church. Anyone who comes to visit her is fair game. She listens, encourages, implores, advises and basically "preaches" to whomever she comes in contact. She has experienced fulfillment as she has been used to further His kingdom. She has grasped the life the Lord has given her and surrendered to what He has laid before her. She has not given up on life, but rather embraced it...... After talking with her doctors, friends, family and seeking the Lord's desire for her, she has decided to do nothing. As we received her decision, none of us were surprised. As we struggled to come to grips with what this would mean and gently (and sometimes not so gently) try to steer away from her decision, she has been resolute. She has not been fearful. She has not been dispondent. She is at ease and patiently waiting. As do we..... I love my mama.