"Yea, though I walk through the valley....."

".....of the shadow of death..." used to mean something different to me.....A shadow does not have substance. It is not real. It is merely  a representation of something real. Sometimes the shadow is bigger and meaner than what it represents. Possibly, it misrepresents, is distorted as it mirrors the actual object. As I walk now through the valley of the shadow if death I feel its grip. It is icy and constant and I want to get away, but cannot. I struggle to ignore it and focus with some effort on the present, which is all I have. This shadow dogs me and beckons for attention. Its strength comes from the fact that as it dissipates, it will leave behind real life with genuine anguish. I cannot give it ground even for a second without releasing emotions that I struggle constantly to keep in check. It is evil.

...I will fear no evil...For Thou art with me.....always He is with me. As a parent follows behind a toddler as he learns to walk, removing objects that will trip him up, leading him away from things that could cause him harm, so our Father moves lovingly behind us, protecting, redirecting. Finally, the toddler comes to an obstacle too big for him to conquer and he looks questioning back, up over his shoulder with questioning eyes to his protector. As I "toddle" now uncertainly, the Lord walks not only behind me, but beside me, before me, under me......He stands between me and the shadow of death.....

Mom's "good" days have taken on new definition. She rarely has energy to do things anymore. So good days are days when she doesn't feel "yucky". They are days when the meds allow her to think clearly. They are days when she's talked with all of her kids. They are days when we see answered prayer. Times of prayer and singing and Bible reading make her days good. She struggles not to be disappointed when she wakes up here on earth each morning but is satisfied that she is in His loving hands and will continue here as long as she can be a tool to bring her Savior glory.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. We continue to enjoy each day with Mom. Sherri has the honor of "moving in" to be with her on a daily basis and to help as needed. The rest of us take (fight over) turns to be a second set of hands.  Hospice has been a godsend with help with meds and advice of how best to care for her. Days are spent meeting needs and enjoying her company.

Happy Birthday, Mama

(The last week or so, Mom has done pretty well. She's continuing to experience typical  discomforts that are normal. But she's alert an we are enjoying our time with her each day. We count each day as a gift from the Lord.)

So today is Mom's birthday. Wow. This was supposed to be one of those difficult "firsts" you have to go through after the death of one you love. BUT the Lord has given us all these months we didn't expect to continue to enjoy her presence. Gratefulness fills my heart......

You know those folks who, when you are asked to describe them, you just sit and ponder what to say? Not because there's nothing to say, but because there is so much! That's my mama. Where to start? What to include? What to leave out? It would seem ridiculous to try to list everything about her for which I am thankful. I could go on forever. She is not perfect. She would tell you so herself. We all know none of us are. But she's just what I've needed. A perfect fit for my life. And I've kinda gotten used to having her around......

So, if I'm not going to list all her qualities, what would I consider the one thing about her that makes her who she is, for which I am most grateful? Hmmm......(long pause, much contemplation...) I think as I consider all the qualities that make her a great mom, the best mom, the one I consider at the top of the list is her unselfish availability to me. Kinda like the Lord. I knew. I ALWAYS knew, no matter what, that whenever I had a need, she was available to me. She was available to do whatever she could in any capacity.  She was never too busy. For as long back as I can recollect, in as many situations as I can remember, for whatever circumstance might present itself, she was ready to do whatever she could to support and encourage me.

Sometimes she stepped into the ring with me in problems I'd gotten myself into. Sometimes she came along side me when life in general was happening and I just needed moral support. Many times it was just to lend a loving and supportive ear. No matter where I was, or how far away, she would reach out and make it better.

This new normal I am about to experience is life changing. There is no one to fill the void she will leave. I am thankful for the ache that will be there. For its very existence reminds me of the years of blessing the Lord has given me........Happy Birthday Mama.

Granny's flower bed......and vegetable garden

 So, we had a great day yesterday! Mom walked out to the mailbox (first time in months).Then she walked over to her flower bed and helped pick 5 tomatoes!

The last project Daddy accomplished before he died was putting in a flower "bed" for Mom. It is complete with an iron headboard and foot board, painted white. We watched from the porch as he brought multiple wheelbarrows full of soil, sawdust and compost (from his private pile).He took special care to make sure it was level, put sideboards in and planted beautiful flowers to imitate a quilt. The idea was for it to look like a "bed." For a while, as it began to grow and fill in the gaps between plants, it gradually took shape and actually had the "look" Daddy had envisioned when he worked so hard to set it up. Job well done. As it began to grow, of course, it needed to be weeded. As I relieved the bed of its unwanted visitors, something caught my eye. A TOMATO PLANT!! O yes. apparently some wayward seed from Dad's compost pile had found its way into the specialty soil he'd prepared for Mom's bed. It definitely liked it there and none of us had the heart to yank it out. So it grew. And grew and bloomed and produced its fruit. And Mom went out and picked them. And ate them in a tomato sandwich. "Jack, I'm eating some of your tomatoes!" She said. It was a good day.