Really, Lord?

How's your Mama? This is so often the question to me. I do so appreciate and hate that question. I appreciate it because it is a demonstration of caring. It says I matter to someone, that Mom matters to someone. It is a good, honest, understandable, sensible question. But I hate it for many reasons. Often there is not a good answer. Mom's situation/status can change even as I respond. The fact is that she's dying. It's happening much more slowly than we had anticipated. One hour she's fine and the next, we are struggling to get her pain under control. I don't have a good answer for that question. Also, facing that question brings reality back into focus. It's not that I'm in denial, I just don't like to dwell there........I go "there" as I need to and for the rest of the time, I live in the hour before me, one that holds no pain or loss.

So, this morning I pick up my Bible and stumble into Ecclesiastes. What in the world? Don't think I've ever had my devotions in Ecclesiastes. So, I'm sort of wandering through. (It's all meaningless, ya know. If you don't get that, go to Ecc) And I come across chapter 7. "It is better to go into a house of mourning, than a house of feasting." Really, Lord?...... Really? "Sorrow is better than laughter because a sad face is good for the heart," Come on. Lord. What does this even mean? So I know You are in control. I know You love me and  allow to enter my life only the situations that will ultimately bless me and draw me closer to You. But I know what it's like to walk back into a house that will forever be missing a face I so desperately love and depend on. This is better than the times we have spent together laughing and "feasting"? Not possible in my realm of understanding. I don't get it and I don't even WANT to get it right now...........to be continued .......

Small Requests

Mom continues to decline. More often than not she is in some kind of discomfort. Nausea, pain, fatigue, sleeplessness all plague her relentlessly. She is so ready to go home. She has confronted death and it holds no fear or regret. It simply continues to elude her. But while she waits, and lives, she continues to serve Him. Even when she believes her service is done, He draws her to another mission, another soul that needs to be touched. And so she does. She prays, listens, reads her Bible..... She has small requests. A can of tomato soup, the fan turned on (or off). We sing to her (almost always a favorite hymn). We read to her (her Bible). We talk and remember and make new memories, ones that will sustain us in the days to come.....I cannot think of this. Once again, I flounder at the thought of life without my loved one. Once again, God is faithful.

My Mama......

Apologies for such a huge gap in the updates. The reason is that Mom has not had a "typical" day to tell you about. She would have "good" days and then struggle for a few days. Just as I was ready to post something, things would turn.....Now, however, her days are more consistent. "I don't have good days anymore" She isn't in pain much, but just feels "yucky." Some days, she sleeps a lot. Others, she's just tired of being here and wants to go "home"....while we desperately want her to stay. But the "good" days seem to be a thing of the past. She will most days push herself to get up and do her makeup and ready herself for the day. By that time, typically, that is enough to drain her energy and leave her exhausted. She continues to focus on the Lord, read her Bible and minister to folks as the opportunity presents itself. I choose to "not go there." Desiring, rather, to live as if her days will go on forever. It is not fair to her for me mourn while she is still here. I think that is where most of us are, telling her bye each time with, "Love you! See ya later!"....knowing full well that each time with her may be our last. She knows we love her. We know she loves us. It is enough....for now....