All's well in "Joyville!"

Merry Christmas! We experience a special blessing today. Mom is here to celebrate Christ's birth with us. According to the doctors, this was not to be. But the Great Physician knew better...."I know what plans I have for you...."And, so He does. As we look back over these recent months and contemplate what may be God's plan in the months ahead, there is one thing for which we can be certain. The One Who sent His Son to be born, so He could die for us, is faithful. God is real and He is faithful. For Him to demonstrate His faithfulness, He does not have to disclose to us the days ahead. We have peace as we recognize what part our Savior wants to play in our lives; and then step back and allow Him freedom to work.

This is essential as we look to the days ahead for Mom. We are a family of planners. Every duck must be in a row somewhere. When we all get involved, there is a whole unit of "duckies", but they are all neatly lined up, in order, planned out, ready. When it comes to Mom, our ducks are not cooperating. We never know what kind of day she will have, how she will feel, what the plan will be. Every day we "play it by ear." She continues to have good days, then bad. She feels okay one minute and nauseated the next. She struggles to understand her purpose in life, then someone comes by, and she is able to minister. Every day is a learning opportunity for her and for those of us there with her as God reaches down and continues to mold our lives in different ways through the same circumstances. She sees her cardiologist Jan. 2. We are interested to see what insights that may bring. But whatever happens, it's in the Lord's hands. They are gentle and loving hands and we trust them....

Pray for her today. I have found myself really missing my Daddy. I know she has to be feeling that loss even more. She struggles to be positive and not get down, but this is a very difficult season in which to be happy when someone you love so much is gone. I find myself to be so grateful that I am not also mourning for her this Christmas. But is difficult to know she is hurting and not be able to help.

Merry Christmas to each of you. Thank you for your prayers for us through these months. We are grateful for your support and concern. You are a blessing to us. For those of you who are facing difficult circumstances, put those aside today and focus on the precious gift of God's Son, a gift none of us will ever deserve......it is enough for which each of us to be greatful regardless of anything else God may have placed in our lives at this time......

Thanksgiving, a perspective.....

Thanksgiving will always be effected by our perspectives in life. For example, last year, I was thankful I still had Mom. This year, I am thankful I still have Mom......For both years, the object of my gratefulness is the same, but.......Last year, as I missed Daddy, having Mom was a comfort. This year, that she is still with us is the blessing for which I am thankful. The Lord has seen fit to leave her here with us just one more day, for several months now.

As the Lord slowly pries my fingers away from things that are most precious to me, He has begun to help change my perspectives. He encourages me to see and "be thankful" for situations in life that I would not be inclined to appreciate. These are difficulties, hardships, frustrations, struggles from which I run. I seek to avoid circumstances that cause me pain. I don't want to suffer. But I do want to grow in my relationship with Him. I do want to know him more intimately.

So, as I begin to examine what causes me the most "pain" in life, I begin to have some understanding. Or at least some considerations.....How often do my struggles represent areas or items that draw my focus, love or energies away from the One I say I want to know better? Are they at the very least a distraction? Is He freeing me from those things that will in the long run cause me more pain? Do I insist on dragging my bag of "things" along with me as I try to follow Him in service? The rich young ruler walked away sad.....am I so very different?

What makes me sad? Why does it make me sad? When I get to the bottom line, is it pride? Selfishness? Do I think I know better than He what I need for my happiness and so I rebel, struggle and despair???? I certainly do know the "Sunday School" answer concerning priorities, but, in practice, what is my reality? Wow. Need some uninterrupted "muse" time. I think this will go deeper than I might realize....

But, today, I am thankful to share life with my family, Mom especially. She is growing weaker physically, but stronger in her desire to be side by side with her Savior. As we talked the other night, I told her I want that for her, too. For her, to think about the next step can be nothing less than glorious. I can't imagine. Well, I can imagine, but for sure the best of my imaginings will be pitiful compared to the reality of what she has in store. Not so excited about what that means for me. But that's me thinking about me......yep.....things that must be considered.....

"Let me burn out for Thee..."

Today was a good day......at least it has been so far. This Sunday morning, both Charles Stanley and David Jeremiah got beat out for a blessed time of sharing. Four siblings, a couple of spouses and Mama gathered for "church". We discussed the man who "puts his hand to the plow" and then looks back. After we shared out thoughts on how the "looking back" effects our "going forward", we began to discuss the "fields" each of us have before us (these fields being our specific situations we are presently "plowing").

Mom shared that she struggles to plow through depression and a lack of trust as she remains here on earth. She so weary. She has fought the good fight, kept the faith and is ready to be done with the battle. And yet, she acknowledges that she continues to be used in the lives of those she talks to, whether in person or on the phone. And she wants to be used.......

Her favorite song is "Let me burn out for Thee, dear Lord, burn and wear out for Thee. Don't let me rust or my life be a failure my God to Thee. Use me and all I have dear Lord and draw me so close to Thee that I feel the throb of the great heart of God. O let me burn our for Thee." Her flame is flickering and weak, but we tend it carefully. It is precious to us and we long to keep it burning for as long as He will allow. It is light and warmth to us. It gives us comfort. When her flame burns out, we will learn to lean more heavily on Him, but for now.......

"Yea, though I walk through the valley....."

".....of the shadow of death..." used to mean something different to me.....A shadow does not have substance. It is not real. It is merely  a representation of something real. Sometimes the shadow is bigger and meaner than what it represents. Possibly, it misrepresents, is distorted as it mirrors the actual object. As I walk now through the valley of the shadow if death I feel its grip. It is icy and constant and I want to get away, but cannot. I struggle to ignore it and focus with some effort on the present, which is all I have. This shadow dogs me and beckons for attention. Its strength comes from the fact that as it dissipates, it will leave behind real life with genuine anguish. I cannot give it ground even for a second without releasing emotions that I struggle constantly to keep in check. It is evil.

...I will fear no evil...For Thou art with me.....always He is with me. As a parent follows behind a toddler as he learns to walk, removing objects that will trip him up, leading him away from things that could cause him harm, so our Father moves lovingly behind us, protecting, redirecting. Finally, the toddler comes to an obstacle too big for him to conquer and he looks questioning back, up over his shoulder with questioning eyes to his protector. As I "toddle" now uncertainly, the Lord walks not only behind me, but beside me, before me, under me......He stands between me and the shadow of death.....

Mom's "good" days have taken on new definition. She rarely has energy to do things anymore. So good days are days when she doesn't feel "yucky". They are days when the meds allow her to think clearly. They are days when she's talked with all of her kids. They are days when we see answered prayer. Times of prayer and singing and Bible reading make her days good. She struggles not to be disappointed when she wakes up here on earth each morning but is satisfied that she is in His loving hands and will continue here as long as she can be a tool to bring her Savior glory.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. We continue to enjoy each day with Mom. Sherri has the honor of "moving in" to be with her on a daily basis and to help as needed. The rest of us take (fight over) turns to be a second set of hands.  Hospice has been a godsend with help with meds and advice of how best to care for her. Days are spent meeting needs and enjoying her company.

Happy Birthday, Mama

(The last week or so, Mom has done pretty well. She's continuing to experience typical  discomforts that are normal. But she's alert an we are enjoying our time with her each day. We count each day as a gift from the Lord.)

So today is Mom's birthday. Wow. This was supposed to be one of those difficult "firsts" you have to go through after the death of one you love. BUT the Lord has given us all these months we didn't expect to continue to enjoy her presence. Gratefulness fills my heart......

You know those folks who, when you are asked to describe them, you just sit and ponder what to say? Not because there's nothing to say, but because there is so much! That's my mama. Where to start? What to include? What to leave out? It would seem ridiculous to try to list everything about her for which I am thankful. I could go on forever. She is not perfect. She would tell you so herself. We all know none of us are. But she's just what I've needed. A perfect fit for my life. And I've kinda gotten used to having her around......

So, if I'm not going to list all her qualities, what would I consider the one thing about her that makes her who she is, for which I am most grateful? Hmmm......(long pause, much contemplation...) I think as I consider all the qualities that make her a great mom, the best mom, the one I consider at the top of the list is her unselfish availability to me. Kinda like the Lord. I knew. I ALWAYS knew, no matter what, that whenever I had a need, she was available to me. She was available to do whatever she could in any capacity.  She was never too busy. For as long back as I can recollect, in as many situations as I can remember, for whatever circumstance might present itself, she was ready to do whatever she could to support and encourage me.

Sometimes she stepped into the ring with me in problems I'd gotten myself into. Sometimes she came along side me when life in general was happening and I just needed moral support. Many times it was just to lend a loving and supportive ear. No matter where I was, or how far away, she would reach out and make it better.

This new normal I am about to experience is life changing. There is no one to fill the void she will leave. I am thankful for the ache that will be there. For its very existence reminds me of the years of blessing the Lord has given me........Happy Birthday Mama.

Granny's flower bed......and vegetable garden

 So, we had a great day yesterday! Mom walked out to the mailbox (first time in months).Then she walked over to her flower bed and helped pick 5 tomatoes!

The last project Daddy accomplished before he died was putting in a flower "bed" for Mom. It is complete with an iron headboard and foot board, painted white. We watched from the porch as he brought multiple wheelbarrows full of soil, sawdust and compost (from his private pile).He took special care to make sure it was level, put sideboards in and planted beautiful flowers to imitate a quilt. The idea was for it to look like a "bed." For a while, as it began to grow and fill in the gaps between plants, it gradually took shape and actually had the "look" Daddy had envisioned when he worked so hard to set it up. Job well done. As it began to grow, of course, it needed to be weeded. As I relieved the bed of its unwanted visitors, something caught my eye. A TOMATO PLANT!! O yes. apparently some wayward seed from Dad's compost pile had found its way into the specialty soil he'd prepared for Mom's bed. It definitely liked it there and none of us had the heart to yank it out. So it grew. And grew and bloomed and produced its fruit. And Mom went out and picked them. And ate them in a tomato sandwich. "Jack, I'm eating some of your tomatoes!" She said. It was a good day.

Really, Lord?

How's your Mama? This is so often the question to me. I do so appreciate and hate that question. I appreciate it because it is a demonstration of caring. It says I matter to someone, that Mom matters to someone. It is a good, honest, understandable, sensible question. But I hate it for many reasons. Often there is not a good answer. Mom's situation/status can change even as I respond. The fact is that she's dying. It's happening much more slowly than we had anticipated. One hour she's fine and the next, we are struggling to get her pain under control. I don't have a good answer for that question. Also, facing that question brings reality back into focus. It's not that I'm in denial, I just don't like to dwell there........I go "there" as I need to and for the rest of the time, I live in the hour before me, one that holds no pain or loss.

So, this morning I pick up my Bible and stumble into Ecclesiastes. What in the world? Don't think I've ever had my devotions in Ecclesiastes. So, I'm sort of wandering through. (It's all meaningless, ya know. If you don't get that, go to Ecc) And I come across chapter 7. "It is better to go into a house of mourning, than a house of feasting." Really, Lord?...... Really? "Sorrow is better than laughter because a sad face is good for the heart," Come on. Lord. What does this even mean? So I know You are in control. I know You love me and  allow to enter my life only the situations that will ultimately bless me and draw me closer to You. But I know what it's like to walk back into a house that will forever be missing a face I so desperately love and depend on. This is better than the times we have spent together laughing and "feasting"? Not possible in my realm of understanding. I don't get it and I don't even WANT to get it right now...........to be continued .......

Small Requests

Mom continues to decline. More often than not she is in some kind of discomfort. Nausea, pain, fatigue, sleeplessness all plague her relentlessly. She is so ready to go home. She has confronted death and it holds no fear or regret. It simply continues to elude her. But while she waits, and lives, she continues to serve Him. Even when she believes her service is done, He draws her to another mission, another soul that needs to be touched. And so she does. She prays, listens, reads her Bible..... She has small requests. A can of tomato soup, the fan turned on (or off). We sing to her (almost always a favorite hymn). We read to her (her Bible). We talk and remember and make new memories, ones that will sustain us in the days to come.....I cannot think of this. Once again, I flounder at the thought of life without my loved one. Once again, God is faithful.

My Mama......

Apologies for such a huge gap in the updates. The reason is that Mom has not had a "typical" day to tell you about. She would have "good" days and then struggle for a few days. Just as I was ready to post something, things would turn.....Now, however, her days are more consistent. "I don't have good days anymore" She isn't in pain much, but just feels "yucky." Some days, she sleeps a lot. Others, she's just tired of being here and wants to go "home"....while we desperately want her to stay. But the "good" days seem to be a thing of the past. She will most days push herself to get up and do her makeup and ready herself for the day. By that time, typically, that is enough to drain her energy and leave her exhausted. She continues to focus on the Lord, read her Bible and minister to folks as the opportunity presents itself. I choose to "not go there." Desiring, rather, to live as if her days will go on forever. It is not fair to her for me mourn while she is still here. I think that is where most of us are, telling her bye each time with, "Love you! See ya later!"....knowing full well that each time with her may be our last. She knows we love her. We know she loves us. It is enough....for now....

...My strength is sufficient....

I stand and peer down the path of life....I pause in my progress. Something is "amiss" up ahead. I cannot quite make it out, but I can see catastrophe there. It is hard to determine where exactly I will cross it on my way, but it is surely there. Sadly, I recognize this same catastrophe. It is familiar. I have crossed it before in the not so distant past and I do not desire to face it again......As I look, I notice the trees on either side of my path just past catastrophe. They are brown and bowed. They seem dull. And the flowers along the way are dried up and dying. The sun, as it shines on that portion of my path, is less bright. It is muted at best, almost pointless in its existence. The pathway itself is uneven, pocked with frightening crevasses and holes. It is unstable. It threatens to trip me and cause me to fall. I search along the way leading up to the catastrophe to find some fork in the road, some side path to take. There is none. I must go this way. I have no other choice......Then I see someone waiting on the path for me. As I hesitate to go forward, He comes to where I am. He says his name is Strength. He will walk with me. He says He will hold my hand and place His strong arm around my shoulders. He will steady me and hold me up if necessary. He will stay with me until I am strong enough to walk once more. And then He will walk beside me on my path to help again when the time comes. Where do you come from, I wonder. He says He was sent by a loving Father who recognized what my need would soon be. I am thankful. I still want to find another route, or cease going forward. Perhaps I can avoid this catastrophe altogether. No, He tells me. It is part of the loving Father's plan, but He will provide. He has already sent Strength for the path ahead. His provision will be complete and satisfying. I must go on. With His Strength by my side, I will walk the path before me. As I go forward, He will also send Peace, Comfort, Love and Hope...... Mom is surely leaving us soon. Her Savior waits for her, but He also waits for me..... Do not fear. for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will hold you up with my righteous right hand.....Isaiah 41:10

The Word of the Lord from the lips of my mama

So Mom continues to struggle. Good days, bad days. Feeling good, then hurting and discomforts. She's sleeping more and more.... Her spirit, mostly, remains up, content, happy even. It's difficult to watch her decline. It was hard for Daddy to be taken quickly, though that is how he wanted it. And this is how Mom would want to do it. Lingering, loving, just "being" with those she loves. Seeking her final assignments from the Lord she loves before she goes home to be with Him....As she laid down for her nap this afternoon, she asked me to read Psalm 139 to her. I was glad to comply. Then she wanted me to turn to Psalm 34. As I began to read, she asked me to wait. Then she began to quote, "I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise shall continually be in my mouth....O magnify the Lord with me. Let us exalt His name together....O taste and see that the Lord is good....She quoted the first eleven verses. "That's all I finished so far." she said. She's halfway through memorizing the chapter. This brave, gentle, loving mind that sometimes forgets, continues to draw strength and comfort from the words of her Savior. It is a chapter of redemption, of salvation from our enemies and our troubles. Comfort for those who walk beside Him, as she has done, as she is doing. Soon I will seek this comfort, this deliverance from my troubles. And He will be faithful as He has been with her.....

Ups and downs...

Some time has passed since the last update.There are a couple of reasons for this. One is that there has been such inconsistency in Mom's "condition." There have been good days and bad. We had a stretch of about two weeks where she was doing so well I began to wonder about a miracle on her behalf. Then she would have more struggles. Then level off again. A report one day would be inaccurate the next.....This last week has brought new challenges. She has experienced dizziness and nausea. Adding new meds to combat these ailments has brought on new side effects. She has experienced difficulty focusing and is just weary of it all....Initially, the doctors told us she might have two days, or two months. It's now been 13 weeks. She assumed that by now, her struggle would be over and she'd be in the loving arms of her Savior. She is ready and anxious for this next step....The other reason is more personal. Without being in denial, it is so much easier to accept our new "normal" and continue life as if it will never end. I fight not to begin grieving before it is time to grieve. I shove my impending loss to the back of my mind and focus on enjoying the times I have with her. Tears are just one thought process away, so I try not to think, or else not to go "there." That is difficult when I update. BUT because I know you care and are praying for us, it is so worth the struggle....Thanks to all of you who have some along side of us with support and prayers. God loves to see that community among His children. Please continue to pray for wisdom and strength and acceptance of God's timing and plan for all of us as we move forward.

"Holding her own..."

Mom continues to "hold her own." She had 3 or 4 really good days last week. This week has brought more struggles. Her pain has become more difficult to control and we are looking for options for pain management. We had a sweet time of singing together as a family Monday evening. The Lord continues to provide opportunities for sweet memories like that as we wait together for the Lord to bring His will to pass. Someone asked one of my siblings, "How do y'all do it? How can you sing and laugh and have fun together during this time?" The answer is simple. We don't. The Lord does. And He will continue to sustain and support and comfort.....Thanks for your prayers and cards and words of encouragement.

...this is me, rising up....

So, Mama. I want to write quickly and without thinking so it won't hurt so much. Not working so well for me... What do I want you to know that I have not told you? So much... Too much... Thank you. Thank you that I have always felt loved. I first learned about love from you. Long before I began to know God's love, your love had wrapped me up and tucked me into your heart where I was at peace. Where I learned about peace. Thank you for the security of your peacefulness. Traumas could come, but they could not ruffle you. Your face never showed if a situation was scary. We judged a scenario by you and it was always going to be okay. Thank you that it was always okay. No matter what, you and Daddy had it covered because you trusted that the Lord had it covered and we didn't have to be concerned. Thank you for trusting the Lord and for accepting what He brought before you. Thank you for learning from it and allowing it to bring you into closer relationship to Him...Thank you for being in close relationship with Him. Thank you for becoming like Christ... If you were a mama duck, and all of us were ducklings, we could waddle safely, confidently behind you without fear or concern. And we'd be okay. We WOULD be safe. And we WOULD be confident because even though we were only following our mama as far as we were concerned, we were in reality learning life. Learning life in such a way that God could be glorified, we could be in relationship and living had a purpose...And now it's our turn. We are mama ducks (or daddy ducks) and we will love, and trust and grow and be at peace...You have prepared us to walk forward, to learn to allow circumstances to teach us and grow us closer to Him. Every circumstance, no matter how difficult is His tool in our lives, a good thing as He works and molds and creates...We are okay. We are confident, at peace. Thank you, mama, you are blessed.

...to live is Christ....

Mom continues to struggle. She will have several difficult days, then she'll have a couple of good ones. It's interesting that it's on the days that she's feeling better, someone will call and want to come visit. It's on those days that she once again takes up the mantle, searches God's heart, and speaks to those before her the message she feels He wants her to share. Last night was a bad night..... I think every night when she goes to bed she hopes it will be her last. I think she's disappointed when she wakes up the next morning ("disappointed" not disgruntled-she's ready to continue life where she can sing with the angels, but willing to continue ministry here for as long as God wills it). Each day when she wakes up, it has been dictated by the Lord and she greets the day anticipating the reason for her life. Wow..... On a normal day, I anticipate what is scheduled before me, what responsibilities are mine, what preparations on this day I need to make for the next. Sometimes the Lord has to smack me in the face (figuratively, of course) to get me to recognize ministry opportunities. Every day, I miss chances to live Christ before those around me. Little things like courtesy when I drive, patience while I wait, unselfishness with selfish people, love that's undeserved, joyfulness in difficult situations exist so God can use me to reflect Him. Yes.... I fear my reflective mirror is a bit clouded and smudged. And the fact is, I keep it angled toward myself so much that the times when He is reflected are few.... Back in the day when Michael Jordan was a big deal, there was a phrase that was going around, "I wanna be like Mike!" And kids would dress like him, imitate him, practice to be like him. I want to be like Christ. And yet, for too many mundane hours of each day I look nothing like Him.... Daddy would be proud of Mama. She is courageous, loving and committed to the One they served so faithfully together; the One she now continues to serve until....one breath on earth, the next by Daddy's side before the God they love.

...the hub...

Mom's day yesterday was not the brightest. She is growing tired more quickly each day. Her pain is more frequent and lasts longer. And yet that is all there is to say that's in any way negative....She laughs with us, talks about life. lessons and memories. And waits. She wonders why God still hasn't taken her home. Her wondering is not in any manner impatient, just contemplative as she searches the mind of God. Even still the delay is okay with her, for whatever reason the Lord may have. She is ready to go, willing to stay.....I try not to think about it. And I tend not to be so willing as she. I just can't "go there." Things will be so different than when Daddy died. For one thing, we won't have Mom to lean on, to cry with, to focus on as we work out our grief. For another, she's our hub.... If our family were a bicycle, Daddy would be the handlebars, steering us, keeping us on the right track, and she would be the hub of the wheel. She holds it all together, the center where all the spokes meet and join, forming strength to carry our vehicle forward. We revolve around her. We start with her and extend outward into life serving the Christ she adores. It's just hard to imagine existing without a hub to which we can return, from which we can draw strength and unity.....What then? Does our bicycle collapse, fall over, rust? What happens next? What happens is what is already in process. It is what Mama and Daddy have always taught us and directed us toward.... We form our own bicycle. We become whatever it is the Lord desires for us to be. Maybe the handlebars, or the hub. But perhaps, the pedal, or chain or tires or seat. All necessary, all a part of a successful bike. With the Lord as our "heavenly operator" we go forward in whatever direction He chooses. As long as we go with Him, our mission is fulfilling, successful. That's what we do. That's what they want of us. That is what they have always taught us to be. So be it.....

Trust

Daddy gone. Mama going. It causes me to stop and consider what lies before me compared to what has recently passed. Once again, I dig my heels in and refuse to walk quietly beside my Savior as He leads me down a path that represents so much pain and loss...With my feeble, human mind it makes no sense, has no hint of fairness that He would allow me to have to face this again so soon. No amount of "good results" from lessons learned or personal growth can ease my desire to run far enough away that I will be unaffected....Even as I determine I will not begin to grieve until there is reason , my mind and heart begin to ache, alter and shut down. I make preparations for "when the time comes..." It is so difficult to turn to Him and rest. This is the time to trust. "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus...O for grace to trust Him more...."

A day for happy mothers.....

"Happy Mothers' Day!" is what we say tomorrow to all mothers. What do we say to a mother who is not happy? I've known my mother for 50+ years (no need to get specific...). In all those years, I can only recall a few instances when I recognized her to be unhappy. Did she have occasion to be disillusioned, discouraged, unhappy? Of course. Life happens to each and every one of us. And so it did with her. But she seemed to look past the difficulties and concentrate rather on those more fulfilling, fun aspects of life. When I do reflect on times when her happiness was diminished, and I examine the causes, I can only recognize one source for her unhappiness. Always it had to do with relationship. People. Never "things". It's difficult to imagine when you take a look at her "lot in life". She was the mother of seven (adorable) children. Seven. Only eleven years apart. That meant she stayed home all day. Every day. Did four loads of laundry, a day. Cleaned, fed and dressed everybody. Kept the house clean and straight (no small feat with nine people). Handled disagreements, tears, questions, endless chatter, sickness, small crises and sometimes large ones (one month we were in the emergency room three out of four weekends...). Daily. Then go to bed, enjoy interrupted sleep, get up and start it all over again. OK. Yeah, you say, but some of you were in school during the day. Right. Did I forget to mention she also kept kids in her home to help supplement a pastor's salary? As with any of us there were circumstances that could have made her discontent. I guess it all comes down to focus. She had decided to be happy. Once that decision was made, only situations and circumstances that supported that focus could effect her outlook. As I look back on my childhood and home life, I always remember laughing (Daddy's influence) and singing (Mom's influence). We didn't have a lot of "things" and never enough money, but always, happiness abounded. Thanks, Mama. Happy Mother's Day!

...a dying heart, a merry heart....

Mom continues to grow more tired. She hurts worse and more frequently. She has trouble breathing and has developed a cough. We are caring for her consistently and gently, doing almost everything for her, trying to keep her from having to do anything that might worsen any symptom. Except.......we laugh....... As we come and visit and sit around or call on the phone, invariably we come to some funny story, or "somebody" says something stupid and off we go! Giggling, laughing, guffawing until we can hardly breathe-especially Mama. But she loves it. Nothing suits her better than to join in for an extended, belly-wrenching, catch your breath so you can laugh some more session. We do these episodes well....and often.... Nothing is off limits. Nothing can be too embarrassing, too hard, too trivial or too personal to make fun of and laugh at. We watch and listen. Quickly enough, someone will misspeak, use the wrong word or mispronounce something and BAM! we're on it and off we go! Usually Mom sits on the couch, (sometimes out in the swing) and holds her hand over her mouth as tears run down her cheeks. She's not hurting. She's happy. We like it that way. She likes it that way.... "A merry heart does good like a medicine." We will continue to laugh.....who knows?

"How's she doin'?" She's doin'!

It always puzzled me as to how to answer someone when they asked we how I was doing after Daddy died. It is much the same with Mom. When people ask, there's not a simple answer for them....She has good days and bad. She hurts more some days than others. Some days she has difficulty breathing (mostly on days she has preached to everyone who walks past her). She hurts more frequently and has begun to have a cough. Physically, she is deteriorating. Each day brings us closer to her departure here and arrival there.... How is she doing? Mentally, emotionally and spiritually she continues to be an example to all of us. She looks forward without fear and anxiety. She looks back without regrets. She accepts each day with thankfulness and as one more day to serve Him.... Often throughout the years when we would ask Mom how she was doing, she would reply, "I'm a-doin'!" And indeed she is!

I picked out my mama's casket today....

Lovely day. It started at the funeral home, finalizing details for Mom's funeral. Then we went back to Mom's and had lunch with her...... Life change...It seems to be constant lately.... Not so many Wednesdays ago I went with my mom to the hospital for her to have a heart cath done. She'd been having difficulty breathing and was tiring quickly. This was the next step to find out what the problem was and what needed to be done. Seemed innocent enough. The test was done, Mom was resting in recovery. The doctor came out to explain the results to us. As she sat down across from me, I knew in an instant as I looked into her eyes that she was about to give me life-altering news. Instantly I turned away. I shook my head. No. Not yet. I'm not ready. I can't do this. As I turned to face the doctor already my eyes were filling. Two of her main arteries were 80% blocked. We had 3 options: bypass surgery, angioplasty or do nothing. I felt I knew what she would want to do. Her heart was already in heaven.... It has been nearly 11 months since Daddy died. (Actually, since he began to really live.....) We all stuggled enormously at first, she more than the rest of us. God's grace gradually overtook our sadness. But in the midst of her grief, she had a sinus infection, then shoulder surgery, then pneumonia. Finally around October she began to heal physically. All along she'd been leaning on the Lord to sustain her and direct her...... As God healed her heart and body, she began to seek opportunities to serve the Lord she loves. She taught the ladies in my brother's church in New Hampshire while she was visiting there. When she came home, she began to teach a Bible study in Greenville, help teach a study in Anderson and help with a Sunday School class at her church. Anyone who comes to visit her is fair game. She listens, encourages, implores, advises and basically "preaches" to whomever she comes in contact. She has experienced fulfillment as she has been used to further His kingdom. She has grasped the life the Lord has given her and surrendered to what He has laid before her. She has not given up on life, but rather embraced it...... After talking with her doctors, friends, family and seeking the Lord's desire for her, she has decided to do nothing. As we received her decision, none of us were surprised. As we struggled to come to grips with what this would mean and gently (and sometimes not so gently) try to steer away from her decision, she has been resolute. She has not been fearful. She has not been dispondent. She is at ease and patiently waiting. As do we..... I love my mama.